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Chew. Swallow. Speak.

Confession time. The other day, I had some tree service being done. There were two companies that came out to give me estimates. I ended up choosing the second one which was The Tree Service Company. Why you might ask?

For one reason, and one reason only. You might not feel the same way as me, but I will tell you why…

Well it was because the first service guy that gave me a bid did something that was like:

nails on a chalkboard!

What was it?

I am peeved by people eating with their mouths open.

It really amazes me to see this, because it seems like a very basic etiquette thing.


Even if a person’s parents didn’t teach them, you’d think they would pick it up by osmosis.

It adds insult to injury when people insist on not only eating with their mouths open but also talking while eating with their mouths open. When this is happening and you have food actually falling out of your mouth, would you not notice that? Would it at the very least be inconvenient?


Would you not worry just a little that the meatball chunk covered in marinara sauce that just toppled out of your mouth (because you were exclaiming about Obama’s Affordable Health Care Act) and into your lap was going to stain your white skirt?

Would it not trouble you to have fragments of gooey chocolate cake cascade down your dress shirt because you insisted on carrying on a full and complete conversation while simultaneously eating the aforementioned dessert?

Would you not be bothered that the bright blue berries falling out from between your lips while you talked were going to roll all over the café’s crisp yellow tablecloth?
Put aside the fact that food coming out of your mouth could stain whatever it falls on.

What about the impediment it is to have stuff in your mouth while you’re trying to form words that require the tongue touching the teeth or the back of the throat or the top of the mouth? Do you not realize that you can’t form those words well with a half-chewed glob of lasagna in there? Or a collection of mixed nuts? Or a spoonful of cheesecake?

Jeez, people, think about it a little. All it takes is a little chewing before you talk. It’s simple. Even a child can do it. Chew. Swallow. Speak.

It’s as easy as that. Shall we try it together? Here we go, on three: One. Two. Chew. Swallow. Speak.

Again: Chew. Swallow. Speak.

See? You can do it. Let’s try it one more time: Chew. Swallow. Speak.

Very good. Excellent. I applaud you.  (more about me here)

Now, just remember those three simple steps when you’re out.

Or the next time you’re eating with someone. Especially if that someone is me.

You might notice some cool things happening. People might actually stay sitting at the table with you.

They might actually engage in a complete conversation with you. They might actually look directly at you, smiling, instead of turning away and cringing. It’s true! Trust me!
This is great.

You’re on your way to becoming a whole new person.

Published innot so comedy

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